Current Issues

“Children and Loss”

by

Florence Townsend

In the press, on television and in the news magazines the last few weeks we hear and read about the four men who are implicated in the attacks in the London subway bombings.  Does this signal attacks? Are there other teams of suicide bombers even here in this country?  The cable news networks aired stories on every aspect of the bombings.  As I turned the channel, the next network was broadcasting the same story!  I wonder how children view all of this.  Add this incident to violent acts, abuse, or personal assault in homes and communities throughout our country.  What do we do to protect our children from this violence?

East stage of life faces challenges in coping with violence, disasters and terrorism. For children their age and developmental level determine their capacity to understand what is happening.  Perhaps an important step in building positive responses to any loss for children may be to deal with situations before a crisis occurs, i.e. losing a pet, having a bike stolen, breaking a favorite toy, dealing with the emotions of moving, etc.

Reassure them.  When disaster of any kind strikes, children want to know that they will be cared for and that they will be okay.  Children do not understand the meaning or the emotions that surround loss.  They seek explanation, guidance, and comfort from adults.

Invite them to talk about their feelings.   Allow children to express feelings of fear, loneliness, sadness, or anger.  As they work and reword through these feelings, be prepared to discuss the situation repeatedly.  Answer their questions honestly but realistically.  Follow their lead and ask them what they know and feel first. Children may seem unaffected, but they are continually processing information around them., It is important not to give them more information than what they are seeking.

Provide stability for them.  In the midst of worries and confusion, the familiar routines will provide consistency.

Share your own thoughts and feelings.  It can be very helpful for a child to know that you feel sad and angry, too and that you are willing to talk about it.  Children model expressions and behaviors. It is easy for them to sense that something is happening to those that they love and need.

Take care of yourself.  Jim Greenman shares the importance of replenishing the spirit with friends, family music, nature and faith.

Monitor media exposure to trauma.  When children see news stories, they do not always realize that it is on tape, but think they are seeing and living it repeatedly. Also, be careful about exposure to adult conversations about crisis, disaster, or military engagement. They may take bits and pieces of conversations and create misconceptions.

Allow them to use creative outlets to express thoughts and feelings in play, art, storytelling, drawing, role-playing games, etc. Play is how children make sense of and come to terms with situations in which they may feel powerless.

Look for changes in behavior.   For preschoolers it might be bed-wetting, clinging to parents, nightmares, appetite changes, fearfulness and confusion, separation anxiety, thumb sucking and other regressive behaviors, etc.  For school-agers expect many questions. They are beginning to understand loss and can identify with people who are directly affected by it.  Of course, they want to know if it could happen to them. They may show their feelings by expressing regressive behaviors, refusing to go to school, exhibiting sleep and somatic problems, and being aggressive or withdrawing for others.

Develop ways to help them actively respond to the crisis.  Perhaps they can help with a community or church event to raise support for victims, write letters or send drawings to them. As age appropriate, perhaps they can help with activities that address the practical needs of victims. Another activity might be to start a prayer chain for victims here and around the world.  Encourage young people to pray for and with others as appropriate.

Read with them.   They can benefit from reading books on loss, disaster and trauma and feelings sometimes associated with these events.  There are many developmental appropriate books to read to begin to prepare children before the crisis comes in a family.

We cannot face these experiences for children, but we can help to prepare them to face the situations themselves. These experiences can produce compassion, independence, confidence, and adaptability-traits that will help them as they face life, and grow in their faith and relationship with the Lord that has the World in His Hands!