Single Parenting

Going it Alone 

By:

Kari West

It's the middle of the night, and Martha Osofsky has just stuffed chicken for tomorrow night's dinner and is scrubbing the kitchen floor. There aren't enough moments to go around. Besides teaching school, she single-parents Matt and Sarah. She has to work and make things work. She is not alone.

  27% of American children under 18 live in one-parent homes- 37% with a divorced parent versus 35.8% with a never-married parent.

  In our country, 1.2 million single-parent families result from a divorce.

  Women head most one-parent homes.

  Father-only families raise 4% of the children. According to David Eggebeen, associate professor of human development and family studies at Penn State , men rarely parent alone but with a "cohabiting partner."

Whatever the arrangement, single-parenting is not always an experience of choice or a choice experience. Surviving is more about holding your ground and digging out. You tell yourself: "Okay. Today I get out of bed, cook breakfast and comfort children." You do what you have to even if you don't feel like it.

The reality of single-parenting is: Get over your preconception with how life was and should be. Get a handle on your pocketbook. Carefully and prayerfully consider your options. Make a decision and don't look back. Live one day at a time. Loosen up and laugh at the situation-and at yourself.

During my own experience as a single parent, I turned three crucial corners:

Truth needs no defense

Whoever said the truth hurts is right. But is can be your best friend. Solid as bedrock.

The first truth is: Both parent and children are overwhelmed . Experts say that most of your energy goes toward emotionally coping with major life changes, such as a divorce. That is why you feel physically exhausted, mentally confused and spiritually frustrated when you first become a single parent.

From the outside, the next step looks simple: You pack up the past. Dust yourself off and move on. But your arms are weighted with more than cardboards boxes. "Whose pain do I deal with first?" you wonder.

For example, my daughter Melanie and I struggled with discussing, let alone accepting, that the structure we once knew and the familiar pillars that had supported our relationships were changing.

"At Dad's condo, I don't have to do things like clean my room or dig dandelions," she said.

Eventually, I discerned the dilemma. Melanie's life was split into two photo albums: One was filled with fun-filled weekends with few rules. The other was time spent with a "Do Your Homework-Feed the Cat-Empty the Trash Mom." Her birthdays and holidays area negotiated in advance like business appointments.

   When you can't go back, you go on.

Eventually you realize the ideal is no longer an option. "Many single mothers never marry or remarry," according to data from the National Fatherhood Initiative. "Those who do usually spend about six years in a single-parent, so their children are likely to spend about six years in a single-parent family."

  Having been married, I envisioned an amicable parenting relationship with my former spouse like my friend, Martha Osofsky had. But it was not to be. Then I remembered the words of a minister-friend: "Have a vision for your life three months, six months, a year from now."

  That day was a turning point. Whatever happened, my responsibility was to remain faithful and parent with consistency.

  Instead of thinking about what I once had, I started counting what I have; life, health, my daughter, a job and a car, the roof over our heads, food on the table, friends who cared and the cat that makes us laugh.

  My daughter could never go back to the child who was. I realized that I was parenting a typical teenager. My daughter's anger outbursts asked; "How much can I get away with, Mom?"

  She behaved like any other teen. And she felt rejected because of the divorce. The outbursts probed a deeper question: "Can I count on your love or will you leave me too?" She had an excuse for behaving like an adolescent. I didn't.

     I needed to :

1. Stop seething over what I could not control and accept what I can change like my attitude. It doesn't matter if I feel life is fair or not. Life is what it is.

2. Pick the battles I was willing to die for, which was not a messy bedroom, baggy pants or orange-streaked but morals, values, beliefs.

3. I needed to let go.

     Let go but don't give up.

As you turn this corner, you hold out your arms, envisioning your life, health, job, finances, future and your child resting loosely in your open palms. You are pushing them up to God and releasing them to him. The Lord sees what you cannot. He also knows your private guilt and the panic of parenting alone.

  Guilt is common among working single mothers. I juggled my job, Melanie's needs, her school schedule and behavioral problems. I also worried about keeping her occupied during the summer and after school. A friend suggested I tiptoe into my daughter's bedroom and pray for her each night while she slept. I did just that - asking the Lord to surround her and protect her.

  "God, I've got a big problem" I silently prayed. "I can't handle much more. Help me release Melanie to You. Help me hold my ground."

  For single parents, the history, continuity and traditions of the family that was crumbles. Rebuilding occurs on two separate foundations. The custodial parent, the visiting parent and the child cannot rush the settling of their undulating emotions. Everyone needs time to create new history.

  The second truth is: Shame and blame are traps. Children are afraid their behavior caused the divorce. The parents who operate out of a sense of failure become defensive. Both may be embarrassed by lifestyle changes and blame the other. "I hope nobody I know sees me in this thrift store." Melanie whispered as we shopped for jeans for church camp. "When I'm with Daddy we always stop for pizza," she said, sobbing. My first reaction was to scream. I overreacted out of my own pain.

  Later, I learned that truth does not excuse wrongs nor accept false guilt. Embracing reality without shame takes courage - and a thick hide. Pointing to my $28 checkbook balance, I said, "I don't have money for pizza. It's two weeks until payday."

  You become creative in chaos when you stop blaming yourself, your former spouse and your child. Truth enabled me to tell my daughter. "I can't change the past. All I have is now, and I'm being the best parent I can," or "I make mistakes, and I'm sorry for those."

  A third truth is: Most single parents feel like quitting at least once . So where does a single parent go to resign? What happens when you're exhausted, fed up with the responsibility and deserve a break? When is that someday you'll quit:

1. When your youngest child leaves home?

2. When you land a promotion that doubles your salary so you can afford an au pair and a gardener?

3. When you latch on to that special someone who can't wait to stepparent your three toddlers and two teens?

  Usually, single-parenting means if you have the flu nobody else goes to work for you, drives the kids to school for you or cleans house for you. You are it. There is no replacement. You are on call 24-hours a day with few perks and lots of head and heartaches. But aren't you the best parent for the job? The reality is that someday is not a fantasy but right now. So...

•  Quit trying to do the impossible. Let go of that "Super Single Parent" image. Applaud Jesus for empowering you to be the best you can be.

•  Quit feeling you need to fix everything and everyone. Embrace who you are, who your children are and your moments together. My friend Mary MacDonald has this magnet on her refrigerator: The quality of life is measured by your relationships. Quality is not performance- whether you can repair the dishwasher, afford to take junior to Disneyland or if your daughter passes or fails algebra. Quality is about appreciation.