Tips on Raising Children

"Beating Working-Mom Guilt "

By

Georgia Beaverson

 

Ah yes, I remember it well. Three months after the birth of my son, Michael, I returned to work. The guilt overwhelmed me when I took my son to daycare. Would he be properly looked after? Would he feel deserted? And what would I miss? I forced myself to shut the door on his cries and then wept all the way to work.

“I felt terribly torn,” remembers single mom Debra Zimmerman. Even though she had nine months off work before she returned, she still felt guilty. “Extremely guilty.”

She expected things to get better as both she and son Sam got used to the separation. But her guilt continued.

“It’s lasted,” she sighs. “Even though he’s in school now and some things are easier.” Zimmerman acknowledges her guilt increases when she can’t skip work to accompany Sam’s class on a field trip or attend a choir concert. “You don’t get to be the soccer mom.”

For accountant Aimee Kent, working-mom guilt didn’t set in right away. “Actually,” she admits, “I was kind of ready to go back (to work) – at least part-time. (But) it was hard every day to drop her off.”

Today daughter Sophie is two and Kent’s second child is six months old. Now she feels the tug of guilt whenever she takes Sophie to daycare.

“I find it even harder right now. She’s more of a little person. I want to stay home and be with her!”Therapist Lyric Dold knows how hard it can be on children to have a working mother. Her own mother worked full-time throughout her childhood. “It was really, really hard on me,” she recalls, adding the experience let her to stay home with her own three children.

Dold points out that most fathers don’t take on guilt the way women do. “Society still thinks the mother is responsible for the kids,” she shrugs. “Men don’t have that expectation.”

In addition, men tend to be hierarchical in their relationships, while women are more group-oriented. “They want to keep the group together.”

According to Dold, guilt can lead to negative, overprotective behaviors, such as not allowing a child to take normal risks. Guilt may blind a mother to the skills a child really has or is striving to master. Guilt mothers may not know their children as well as they think they do, because the kids are always seen through a haze of negative emotion.

Over-parenting is one very common way mothers try to stave off their own guilt. “You’re never there, but you’re always there,” Dold explains. This kind of behavior deprives the child of trying and failing, which can be a valuable learning tool.

But there are ways to overcome this curse of guilt. Kent began by admitting one simple truth to herself; she likes working. “It balances out,” she reasons. “You know you’ve got to do it.” She gave herself peace of mind by placing her daughter in a small, family daycare. Two of Sophie’s cousins also attend. “It helps if you’re happy with where you’re beginging your child!”

Kent also carves out private time with Sophie each morning. She goes to work later than some coworkers and spends that time with her daughter. “We avoid the mad AM rush,” she grins. Sometimes Kent skips lunch to end her day at a reasonable hour.

Some women take more drastic steps. Zimmerman chose to put her career as a lab chemist on temporary hold to relieve some of the pressure she felt. “You can’t do it all,” she declares. “Something’s got to give.”

Se took a lower-paying and lower-pressure job instead. “It’s more important to succeed as a mother now than it is as a worker. I can’t put parenthood on hold, but I can the career. Dold urges moms not to sell themselves short. “I would point out to them the role-modeling they’re doing. You show your kids you’re a real person with real skills who is a smart, capable effective individual. This is the silver lining!”

Moms in general, she believes, must care for themselves. “You can’t give what you don’t have,” she warns. “You must have a healthy self and a healthy marriage.” So don’t be afraid to put your husband first. You need to rejuvenate your relationship.

But most importantly, Dold continues, do not allow guilt to inhibit you from setting firm limits for your children. “Kids need hierarchy. Hierarchy equals security.”

“Guilt is your issue,” concludes Dold. “Guilt rules you? You should rule it!”

And what about my working-mom guilt? I eventually shed it when I discovered my son cried for exactly ten seconds after I left each morning.

Battle strategies vs. guilt:

 

Georgia Beaverson is a freelance writer and is a contributing writer for the Eastern Territory Women’s Website.