Tips on Raising Children

“Pump Up Your Teen’s Self-Esteem”

by

Georgia Beaverson

Television and other media have put our teens between a rock and a hard place.  What is the rock? 

• Impossibly “buff” men. 
• Women whose looks are perfection.
• Athletes who never seem to lose.
• Clothes, money, success and sex are the name of the game.

And what is the hard place for our teens?

• In a word … reality!

That gap between the real world and the false world, presented by the media, can be a hard one for teens to ignore.  Many young adults compare themselves not just to their peers in the real world, but also to the images they see in the media’s false world … and they judge themselves as coming up short.  As parents, it’s our job to understand and help them build a healthy self-image.  But how?

Start with understanding …

Cindy Richgels, a Christian Youth Therapist, points out that our culture proclaims the message, “Looks are everything.” Such discrimination can profoundly effect how teens view the world and themselves.

“Kids are still developing their identity in early adolescence, figuring out who they are,” explains Nancy Bushy, a Youth Worker at High Point Church in Madison, Wisconsin.  “They know they’re not their parents now, but they’re not sure who they are yet.”

Ms. Bushy says that adolescence lasts far longer than most people realize, from age 11 to about age 25, when the brain stops growing and developing.  It is the time when teens push away from their parents and begin to become distinct individuals, a time for them to identify with adults outside the family circle and experiment with new experiences.  School becomes the center of their life.  In the short term, they look in the mirror of their peers to discover who they are.

Unfortunately, all teens are going through the same process, which can lead to some pretty nasty interactions and erosion of self-esteem.  “I’ve never met anyone who’s had a good time in middle school!”  Ms. Bushy exclaims.  She says it’s important for parents to understand the teen mind-set and be ready to help.  Studies show that teens do look to their peers for short-term decisions, but in the long run, they look to good old Mom and Dad for help with life decisions.

Warning signs …

Okay.  You understand how adolescence can effect a teen’s outlook, but how can you tell if your teen has a self-esteem problem?

Cindy Richgels says that, for girls especially, many self-esteem issues show up as body-image problems.  She suggests parents ask themselves some questions …

• Does my teen feel good about her body?
• Does she weigh herself frequently?
• Is she dieting too much?
• Does she count her calories and fat grams?
• Does she exercise too much?

These can all serve as warning signals to alert a parent.

Other behaviors that should trigger concern are dropping grades, depression, a change in friends, self-imposed solitude or a lack of interest in normal activities.  How does your teen talk about themselves?  Do they look forward to the future with a reasonable amount of confidence or are they hopeless?

If any of these signs are present in your teen, both Ms. Bushy and Ms. Richgels advise taking a good, long look at yourself as a parent as well.  Ms. Richgels urges parents to examine how they talk and what they value.  Often they are surprised at the clear, even if unintended, verbal messages they have sent.

Ms. Bushy warns parents about one thing that she’s seen frequently in teens … parent relationships:  “They are not you!”  Many times, well-meaning parents drive teens to fulfill their parents’ own leftover, unfulfilled goals.  This pressure cannot only be unhealthy for children, but it can also lead parents into inappropriate behaviors.

“I see more rescuers as parents, and it drives me crazy!” says Ms. Bushy.  Not only does rescuing young adults from difficult situations rob them of the chance to learn through mistakes, but it also promotes unspoken parental expectations.

Time to pump it up …

All teens need help to believe in themselves.  As the parent, you’re the chief cheerleader.  Clean up your own act and do it right!

“Send a message that looks aren’t the most important thing,” urges Ms. Richgels. “Comment on their accomplishments, intelligence, kindness and talents.”

“Talk to your kid,” advise both Ms. Bushy and Ms. Richgels.  If communication lines are a bit rusty, keep making the effort.  “It’s amazing how quickly a parent will give up,” Ms. Bushy marvels.  And don’t ask dead-end questions, such as:  “What did you learn today?”  Those are death to meaningful conversation.

Instead, praise them and help them identify their strengths.  Allow them to explore different activities; ask them where their passion lies; and encourage them to explore it.

Even if your teen seems troubled, make an effort to look at the positive.  “Catch your kid doing something right!”  Ms. Bushy says.  Instead of talking about a teen’s “bad” friends, talk instead about positive attributes, such as loyalty, that friends should show.

Ms. Richgels promotes spending time with teens.  That gives positive words additional power and tells her that you value her enough to give of yourself.  Do things she enjoys and chooses to do, especially if you’re a parent of the opposite sex.  Set an example of how she can expect to be treated by a man (or, if your teen is a boy, by a woman).  You’ll raise your young adult’s level of expectation for the opposite sex. 

Above all else, have the courage to be a parent.  You are not your child’s friend, and that should be your goal.  You have the unique, wonderful opportunity to be the only Mom or Dad your teen will ever have.  Supply security in their scary, almost-adult world by setting important boundaries.  But most of all, believe in your teen!  “Help paint a future for them,” concludes Ms. Bushy, “a positive one.”

Ten simple things you can do to build your teen’s self-esteem:

• Watch a movie together – and let them choose!
• Pick them up at school and take them out to lunch.
• Play their favorite CD in the car and discuss why they like it.
• Take a martial arts class with your “Crouching Tiger” teen.
• Ask their opinion on a political situation.
• Play laser tag together.
• Ask for their advice with a problem you have.
• Teach them to change the oil in the car.
• Let your teen catch you boasting about them!
• Make homemade pizza together.