Tips On Raising Children

"Team Parenting"

By:

Georgia Beaverson

 

 

Sooner or later, most couples discover how incredibly complex parenting can be. You may think you agree with your spouse on parenting issues, but deep in the parenting trenches, find out otherwise. How can you avoid this scenario? The most effective way to provide good parenting for your children is by becoming a parenting team.

The first order of team parenting is establishing lines of communication. It takes determination, consistency and courage to ensure you and your spouse read to your kids from the same proverbial page every single day.

Start communicating pre-pregnancy by discussing whether or not you even want to become parents. Move on to how many children you want to have and why. Paint a picture for your spouse of what your childhood was like, how your parents cared for you, and what kind of parent you hope to be. This will help your partner understand your motivations and allow them to set expectations accordingly.

Draw up a list of parenting goals you can both agree on. If the discussion becomes heated, learn how to lower the temperature by agreeing to walk away and resume your conversation later. You'll need to practice maintaining a cool head for other parenting run-ins!

As conflicts in your experiences, expectations and parenting philosophies arise from these discussions, practice the art of compromise. Sometimes a middle-ground answer will become obvious to both of you, but often that's not the case.

One dispassionate way to deal with such conflicts is by using the old list method. Get out a sheet of paper, divide it vertically down the center and label one side "pros" and the other "cons." Write down in black and white what the problem is, then simply list the pros and cons to each solution. Brainstorm ways to incorporate the most points from the "pro" side of the paper.

Nature has decreed that parents get eased into the more difficult quandaries of parenthood over time. That's why you should not neglect your regular locker-room strategy meetings as your child ages. You'll need your new-found skill once your adorable baby becomes a fast-moving toddler, a smarty-pants preschooler, and an always-changing young child.

One of the most common mistakes parents make is sending their child mixed messages. This might include saying one thing and doing another, breaking or ignoring house rules or making discipline decisions without consulting your partner (and then having to backtrack on them later). It's understandable why such shifting sands confuse children.

Instead, plan your parenting strategies together ahead of time. Consult parenting books, doctors, friends and family members to discover reasonable behavior standards for your child's age. As a team, identify your child's behavior problems and brainstorm solutions. Other parents with children, slightly older than yours, can provide the voice of experience, and give you novel ideas on what worked well with their kids.

Next, put your game plan into action. Sometimes that involves explaining a new set of house rules to your child. Do this as a team, emphasizing that you and your spouse have discussed this and agreed on the solution together. During this phase-in period, compare notes and discuss your game plan. If it's not working, you can modify your plan quickly if you're both on the same page.

Sometimes unexpected conflicts arise, that force parents into a snap discipline decision. This can be the severest kind of test for a parenting team, especially if one member of the team disagrees with that on-the-spot decision.

Even if you violently disagree with your spouse's response, do not criticize him/her in front of your children. This can undermine all of the careful work you've put into building a united parenting front. Instead, privately discuss the situation with cool heads. Give your viewpoint, surely, but actively listen to your spouse's opinion too. You may not be aware of the whole story - especially if you got the story from your child!

Weigh whether or not it's really the end of the universe if the decision goes through as originally ordered. Most times, the big picture decrees it's not that important. And backing up your spouse's decision without public argument paints a powerful picture of "Team Parents" for your children. Use the experience to plan ahead for similar eventualities.

"Dad said I could have a sleepover tonight if it's okay with you!" "Mom said we could go to McDonald's for supper if you say okay." Sound familiar? It's common for children to play parents off each other, running back and forth between them to wheedle the answer they want from one or the other. Don't be taken in by these tactics. A simple, "Let's go talk to Mom (or Dad) about this right now," keeps the parenting team united.

Not every parenting decision should be written in stone. Maintaining a sense of humor and bending the rules once in a while can provide a break for everyone. For instance, if that spur-of-the-moment discipline decision is, in quiet retrospect, unacceptable to both parents, decide on a compromise. Explain to your child that, together, you've rethought the situation and want to institute a new ruling. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes as a team.

Reward positive responses to your team parenting with special treats. Recognize your child's changing maturity levels with changes in both their responsibilities and rewards.

Remember, the most valuable gift you can bestow on your children is united parents. So give your kids the security of knowing their parents are a team.

 

Teen Discipline Tip

 

Most parents discipline teens by grounding them. But what if your teen doesn't respond? Take away the phone, computer access, sleepovers, outside activities and some teens just don't flinch.

Effective discipline starts by identifying the one thing your teen values above everything. For most teens, that's privacy. So, instead of grounding your teen, next time take their bedroom off its hinges for a 24-hour period. You won't believe how effective this simple action will be!

 

Editors Note:

Books suggested by the editor on the subject.